How My Daughters Taught Me To “Keep Dancing”
Family dance parties are a common event in our household. They are a time to just be present with each other, feeling joy and having fun no matter what else is going on in our crazy lives.
So when I think of the phrase “keep dancing,” I relate to how we can continue being present and finding joy, no matter the circumstances.
That theme has been especially pertinent for us this year.
Experiencing the Unexpected
In May 2024, I was due to give birth to our 2nd child. My 1st was breech which resulted in a C-section, but with 4.5 years in between and a normal-presenting pregnancy, I was given the option to do a trial of labor.
After my water breaking naturally at 39 +2 weeks, I did a successful and ‘uncomplicated’ VBAC!
…Although the moment my 2nd daughter was born we realized her birth was not uncomplicated as it seemed. She was unresponsive and was followed by a significant amount of blood.
We discovered later that I had a small uterine rupture which caused my anterior placenta to abrupt (detach) during labor.
So Heidi was receiving unoxygenated blood from the umbilical cord for an unknown amount of time. This resulted in an HIE diagnosis - Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy.
Even though those first few hours and days were incredibly difficult, we were very aware of how lucky both Heidi and I were to simply be alive.
But it was SO easy to get lost in the unknowns and sink into the depression of “what ifs”.
Fearless Love
In the initial days, conversations often revolved around what-ifs.
What if birth circumstances were different?
What if she does have significant brain damage on her MRI?
I was stuck on re-living the past or worrying about the future, but I was forgetting to be present in the NOW.
It wasn’t until we were able to introduce Heidi to our 4 year old daughter, Josie, that I was reminded on what is important.
Josie danced right in to Heidi’s room, feeling nothing but love for her new sister.
She was so excited to see that Heidi was using medical devices that she recognized from the toys we create at The Butterfly Pig.
And she was absolutely ecstatic to see that she had blue eyes just like her.
You know what she didn’t care about?
What happened, or what challenges may arise in the future.
She didn’t let fear of the unknowns get in the way of her love for Heidi.
Josie’s natural mindset to keep dancing helped us remember what’s truly important in one of the most trying times of our lives.
And that has continued as we’ve been on this journey!
“Wait and See”
As part of the HIE community, you often see and hear the phrase “wait and see”.
I lost count of how many times we heard this in the hospital as well.
Since baby’s brains are so ‘neuroplastic’ and changing constantly, it is impossible to predict how a brain event will affect development years down the road.
Some children with severe damage noted on an MRI could present as “unaffected” in terms of symptoms. And similarly, a child with severe complications could have a clear MRI.
Because of this, everyone in the community knows that you can’t predict what’s to come in your individual HIE journey.
When I first heard the phrase to “wait and see”, I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious about the fact that although our baby is meeting her milestones now, that could change at any moment.
The nature of the phrase “wait and see” forces you to “wait” for some future time that may or may not ever happen.
But I want to experience joy, love my baby no matter what, and keep dancing NOW.
Living in the “Now”
So even knowing that complications from an HIE diagnosis could arise at any time in the next few years, I also know that tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone.
Every single day that we decide to live in the moment, and not be stuck wondering about the “what ifs” of the past or the tomorrows, is our way to “keep dancing”.
We have the POWER to choose to be present, grateful, and to find joy in every moment.
And that’s quite beautiful.
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